“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.” ― Allen Saunders
It feels like lifetimes ago, but it was just one year ago today that my internal world started to noticeably change while headed on a road trip to my favorite harbor town. On the way out, Mike stopped for gasoline and returned with baked goodies. They looked utterly unappealing, which seemed so odd given my sweet tooth. Heading south I just remember feeling so very tired in the car. “This pandemic has been a lot” I told myself. “I’d normally be so excited, but it’s just not the typical birthday, I guess. That’s all”.
We made our way to Portsmouth NH and walked the streets with masks on, steering far from all other humans. I tried on dresses and was shocked that my size, simply, was no longer my size “I mean there is something to be said about gaining the COVID 15?” I wondered. “I guess I gained it!” Knowing this was temporary, I bought the snug dress anyway and did not give it much thought. All I could think about was lunch.
Fortunately, outdoor eateries were open (hooray!) and we found a table on the water overlooking anchored tug boats. I recall the trepidation of even at such a great distance, being around others. I inhaled an enormous lobster roll swiftly, “pandemic nerves”, I figured. “ I just want to get out of here so we’re not too close to others for too long”. Yet I didn’t feel satiated. “I did pass on those baked good, so there’s that?”
Continuing home that evening, we stopped at the liquor store to grab some perfunctory birthday beverages. Again, why didn’t I feel like celebrating, and even less feel like having a cocktail? Yet the strange, overwhelming craving for salt that had followed me all day continued, so I grabbed some margaritas. Upon returning home, I Facetimed with my dearest friend Sandee, with whom I share a birthday. We gather together almost every year on July 7th, but she was in the strictest of stay at home orders in San Francisco. We toasted and laughed and I took just a few sips of my Margarita, eventually pretending to sip it as the idea of alcohol was not appealing. I retired early and mulled over my favorite 45th birthday catch phrase, one I’d had engraved on a watch for Mike on his 45th birthday. “45 and Feelin’ Alive”….sort of. I didn’t know what was wrong with my body but retiring early sounded like a fabulous idea.
The next morning, when I awoke feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck, nothing made any sense. There could be no crazy birthday hangover given my three sips of margarita. I looked at the calendar… July 8th….”huh”. Later that morning, on a very old and very expired pregnancy test that sat in my bedside drawer, I found out I was pregnant. Stunned, I recalled how just days earlier I’d reached out to my running friend, Yuki. “Ok, I have a plan! I’m on week 6 right now of the 9 week Couch to 5K program. In three or so weeks, when I’m done, maybe we can go for a run? But you know all those old sayings, something like when you make a plan, God laughs?”….little did I know. Oh my gosh.
There’s so many things I want to write about the amazing baby girl who arrived into our lives the night of February 27th, 2021. I arrived at the hospital early morning at dusk, just after a full moon and in an ice storm. For now, all I can say is I’m so honored to have been chosen for this little one to be under my care. Our house now has a happy chaos that I suppose a second child will bring. I have so many stories to share about Nika Eilish, but I have no idea when I’ll write them all down. For now, there’s a little girl next to me who wants to eat and play. What I do know is, maybe I won’t try to plan it.
Folding Origami for God 