“You can always come back, but you can’t come back all the way” – Bob Dylan

During the last year or so of nursing school, professors and curriculum started emphasizing questions as they might be encountered on the National Council Licensure Exam (Boards). The main point hoping to convey was that you will be posed with tricky exam questions, and will need to choose the most right answer. Some answers will be partially correct, thus tempting to select. The reason being of course, that there will be nuances involved in making sound nursing judgment once out in the field. This past year in particular, this turned out to be such a great analogy for navigating a complicated life.

We are moving along in tandem through the toddler years for Nika and progressive Sanfilippo challenges for Sasha. Life is beautiful but chaotic. Sasha’s activities of daily living are requiring far more supports and involvement than they did a couple of years ago. Meanwhile, Nika is becoming quite an involved caregiver; putting blankets on Sasha once we’ve gotten her comfortably seated, assisting with lifting a leg if she’s struggling to walk, rubbing her arm while asking “are you doing ok?”. Its simultaneously incredibly sweet to witness but a heavy load for a 2 1/2 year old to take on.

Around this same time, Nika hit the “terrible twos” as they are deemed for whatever reason (I kid – its been rough!), while Sasha’s needs increased with her own aging. I found myself becoming sometimes resentful of the stay at home Mom role. It’s simply because this was never what I had planned. I am a highly social person with professional aspirations, and thus felt my world exponentially shrinking. And so, with the pandemic trajectory improving, it was time for me to get back into the workforce. I also needed to get back into the workforce because, if I wanted to maintain the nursing license that I studied so hard for in “active” status, I would need a certain amount of professional hours in the nursing field as required in our state statutes.

So it was in December when I found myself a position at the incredible teaching hospital that oversees Sasha’s care. It’s a trek from our home, so I opted for two twelve hour shifts per week in order to minimize how many days each week I was far from home, and hoping the commute would be doable if that infrequent. I felt so fortunate that in a time of incredible challenges for both nurses and employers, as well as for institutions and patients, I landed in a very supportive, engaged and dynamic group of coworkers and supervisors. What a way to reenter the field that I had been removed from for over three years.

You can probably tell where this is headed. After just a few short months, the 15 hour days door-to-door (because 12 hour shifts in nursing are of course longer than that; changing into scrubs, getting report, stocking your cart and so on) were not sustainable. My performance was inconsistent and the pressure of this role, while exhilarating at times, was high. By March it was evident that the right decision was to step away and regroup.

Remarkably, shortly after this, word of a very exciting position opened up, only it wasn’t in nursing. An Events and Development position with the Adaptive Sports organization we have engaged with for so many years came into creation. While clearly not a nursing role, the job description excited me. Ironically, back when Sasha was a toddler herself, I had worked for a PR and Marketing company in California, so this work would not be completely foreign to me. Mike and I thought long and hard because a full time position right now would be a lot. But Mike was supportive and wanted to see me happy. I applied, interviewed and eagerly accepted an offer this May. We’d make it work!

So, you can probably tell where this is headed as well. Despite finding what ended up being the most rewarding professional role I could have hoped for, and experiencing for the first time in life a job that doesn’t feel like work, in time, I noticed an inverse relationship between work happiness and home satisfaction. As I was finding professional enjoyments, I felt a disconnect with the family. I wasn’t able to disengage and be present when not working. I was putting important tasks for Sasha on the back burner. I was missing milestones with Nika even if they occurred right in front of me. It was like watching a teeter totter go higher and higher, as my professional happiness kept elevating, the home happiness was sinking. It was odd and also unexpected. Mike was noticing a change as well and once I put words to it and said it all out loud, I knew I had to confront some things. This led to other tough conversations and ultimately, the decision to, once again, step away.

There have definitely been some early morning coffee reflections and some “sitting in the car stunned” moments throughout this entire year. As I took a 10 month inventory, from leaving the house at dawn in winter storms to practice nursing far from home to helping coordinate twelve athletes and their teams for the amazing Sunrise Ascent on Mt. Washington and so many points in between, it’s been an incredible year of growth and self awareness. But the hurdles and heartbreak and realities of limitations have been sobering. Nika and Sasha are not independent individuals collectively (nor individually). I refused to acknowledge my own limitations and simply decided that the house of cards would not crash by putting one more card on top. I recently found myself telling a dear friend of these crossroads that “at this point, I’m just tired of myself”.

And so, I sit here today having a few moments at 7:00 AM as both girls are sleeping in (unheard of!). For the foreseeable future, I am home. I am still a nurse and caregiver, and an advocate and promoter of inclusive opportunities like sports and recreation for all. I will simply do this work in a different capacity now. I am also incredibly fortunate that this decision is mine to make. Not everyone can elect not to work. That is not lost on me.

Thank you NCLEX, that nursing exam taken so many years ago. I know now that sometimes in life, the best you can do is make “the most right decision”. It is ultimately what is asked of all of us, each and every day, in this thing called life. I love the Bob Dylan line featured at the opening of this post, however I challenge it somewhat as well. I think you can come back, come back all the way. Here’s to feeling grounded in the process.