“If we could see the miracle in a single flower clearly, our whole life would change”. Buddha

Its hard to believe that three months have passed since I stopped working in order to be at home with Sasha. In special education here in New Hampshire, on a student’s 21^st birthday they “age out” of school and are officially done. This can seem sudden, and so I’ve always been grateful that Sasha has a summer birthday. And while I’ve had plenty of time to prepare for this new era, its still been a huge adjustment for both of us. (I feel like I say that often–“I had plenty of time to prepare, but…!”).   2020 I’m looking at you!

This summer was a whirlwind as it included Sasha’s birthday, two end of school year parties (one in June when the entire population was present and one in July on her official last day of summer school), a getaway to celebrate Sasha becoming 21 (such a milestone!) and of course the Sunrise Ascent on Mt. Washington and all its training, organizing and fundraising. All of this coupled with my Dad’s passing made it so there was little time to dwell on what I had been down about leading up to in months prior. Sasha has always loved school and I was sad that her lifestyle would change so drastically.

We are fortunate that in the state of New Hampshire there are options in the models provided for families of adults with special needs. After much consideration (and changing my mind back and forth as my regional service agency can attest to!) we decided it would be ideal to start out with me being Sasha’s “staff” to help establish this new chapter. This means that I run her day program and oversee her activities and scheduling along with being her actual staff member. Our days include a scheduled wake up time (at my insistence) along with Adaptive Sports (hiking right now which will switch over to alpine skiing soon) a weekly social and wellness hour also run by Adaptive Sports in tandem with the Boys and Girls Club, equine physical therapy and visits with friends, former colleagues and her former school aide who visits each week. In between we’re hitting up our favorite coffee spots, or taking small road trips to Target (which used to be distance prohibitive).

Sasha enjoying her new “retirement bench” Mike got for her upon graduating

On my end, while no longer working, I remain engaged with personal and professional interests by being a Board Member of two organizations (Adaptive Sports Partners of the North Country and New England Regional Genetics Group) while taking a chemistry class at home. This keeps me aligned with my ever present (though perhaps not too realistic) goal of attending grad school. And I do get respite, so I’m still able to go for weekly hikes which is so important to me!

And while our days have balance, I am quickly seeing how much Sasha misses school. Her days were much fuller being out of the house from 8:00 to 3:00, along with the benefit of being independent of me during those hours. Sasha saw more people, had a routine and had more purpose. Lately I’m observing a lowering in her mood and overall demeanor, and so I’m taking note.  In the long run we may determine its best that someone else staff her day program as opposed to me. My state of mind has changed too, with it varying from feeling much more relaxed to a slight panic setting in, almost a feeling of dread, induced by not having the schedule, structure and purpose offered by working in my given field.

Yet I am grateful that we had a summer to initiate the closing of one door as we opened the next. At Sasha’s (final) end of the school year party, I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and affection from her school staff, her current and former caregivers, her bus driver and her friends. Her school physical therapist who has worked with Sasha for many years, was able to attend that last party and was so sweet as she knelt down beside Sasha’s chair to present her with the most beautiful pot of Gerbera daisies. She then gently initiated one last PT session. It was a beautiful day filled with emotion.

As we drove home, the daisies in my lap felt particularly poignant to me. In being one of my favorite flowers with its vibrant colors and purity in their simplicity of shape, I felt it mirroring Sasha in many ways. It was also an ironic choice, as it has been one of the few flowers I’ve never had a green thumb with, and so I was determined to find a way to make this one thrive.

Two days later we took off for our much-anticipated New England road trip to celebrate Sasha turning 21, with our final destination being the aquarium and ocean in Mystic, CT. When we returned home, I was shocked to see that our fuchsia and tangerine daisies that were doing so well before we left had completely died. I tried a few things over the course of that week to no avail. I was so sad as this was a special gift and once again, it was also becoming my nemesis flower! As a last ditch effort I decided to change its placement, offer it scant water as I’d read to do and instead of hovering, I simply let it be.

Stopping in Boston to visit family for birthday celebration number 1….

To my amazement, a week later our daisy was in full bloom. Its shape and colors were slightly different, no longer as perfect as it once was, but it was truly alive and well. I marveled at this moment and took it as the lesson I believe was intended. For me to do the same in this new chapter with Sasha. To see where this path takes us and with gentle reminders, to try and let it be. We will find our way, make adjustments as needed, and find the right balance in order to flourish and succeed.